On Friendship

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately.

I was going to make a post about this a few weeks ago, on Valentine's Day actually, but then Parkland happened and I couldn't think straight. Then, for a while, I was thinking about making a post about Parkland. But whenever I thought about it I would get anxious, or sad, so I kept not doing that.

And then those kids, those survivors, those brilliant and strong teenagers rose up from the ashes and gave me hope again. Then I was thinking about posting about that and the hope and the joy and the tears that came from the whole March For Our Lives movement, but it was all still overwhelming.

So, mostly I haven't been posting anything.

But I was thinking about friendship again lately, which had me thinking about Valentine's Day, and how important friends really are. After a few weeks I've decided to broach the subject again.

This past weekend my friend Annie came to visit.

Annie and I met last June when I decided to go to North Carolina with a group of strangers from the internet. To be fair, they weren't really strangers. I'd been talking to a few of them online for at least a few months. (My generation has learned to safely navigate the internet and make sure people are Real People, so I wasn't too worried.) We met because all of us watched the same the same TV show and loved the characters more than anything. Thus, friendship happened online, a trip was planned, and then a unification of strangers from across the continental United States took place.

I'm still a bit unsure as to how I got to be part of this group. I wasn't super Devout in the fandom, really kind of uninvolved at this point, but whatever. I was about to graduate college and I wanted to give myself a graduation gift and a week on the beach with a bunch of people I vaguely knew sounded pretty good to me.

Long story short, it was magical. There's something really magical, and really pure, about friendships based in fandom. It's just all of these people who love the same things you do. It was magic! There's no other word to describe something like that.

Anyway, that's where I met Annie, though technically I had met her at some point in time on the internet before that. I hadn't seen Annie since that week in June and part of me was worried that it wouldn't be the same. Internet friends are literally talking all the time, so it's not like we hadn't kept in touch or anything, but there's a worry that lingers about the magic of friendship not carrying over again. It turns out it was a dumb fear, because Annie's still the Annie I know and love, and we had an excellent weekend in the bay.

She left yesterday morning, her train carrying her down the tunnel while I stood on the platform and got ready for work. It was very sad. When we'd been waiting for the bus earlier that morning, I felt myself getting teary, so I kind of ignored it. But then on the train, the two of us standing there, me getting ready to get off while she stayed on, it was awful.

It's always easier to leave than it is to get left.

Friendship is really important to me. Annie was the first person that flew out here to visit me and experience this place with me, and then she was gone. That's sad! I'd rather her be here forever and we can see all of the sights together and experience all of that joy at the same time. It's one thing to see all of these places and do all of these things on your own, it's another to do it with people who mean the world to you.

When I was younger, a whole bunch of shit happened in my life at the same time that kind of left me friendless. I bumbled from "best friend" to "best friend" trying to find myself in the process, but middle school friendships are hard and life was complicated at the time.

I'm older now, and friendship isn't really any easier. It's complicated and can get messy but, getting back to my original point, friendship is full of so much love. On Valentine's Day I'd been thinking about how much I love my friends. I'm not great at opening up and being vulnerable, but I know that even if I share those darker, scary parts with my friends it isn't going to turn them away. If I show them my broken pieces they won't smash them further. In fact, they might offer some glue.

I think I'm at this weird age where everyone has their Thing happening. They're getting engaged or they're graduating or going to grad school or they're moving or having a kid or got promoted or blah blah blah but I rarely, if ever, hear about the big and tremendous things that people do with their friends. Adult friendships are kind of not talked about, but they're so important.

To find someone who understands you for who you are, all grown up as an adult, and accepts all of the trauma and the gunk because they know that there's light inside and love inside, it's just really magical.

So, a love letter to my friends.

Dear friend,

You haven't any idea how much you truly mean to me.

For making a paper phone with me in 7th grade and becoming a Principal. For nearly falling out of your bed dozens of times because you didn't want to climb down from the top bunk. For that time we had maybe three too many sour bombs at Turtle.

For sitting with me in the nurse's cabin because my period cramps were so bad I nearly passed out. For driving me around literally everywhere even though you're younger because I didn't have my license. For spontaneous tattoos and A Christmas Prince.

For raising a group of 9 kids with me and still loving me despite the fact that I can be very stubborn and opinionated. For putting up with my driving and never telling me if you were afraid. For your shitty taste in music and that one time you held your phone up to your ear to drown out our songs.

For answering the phone when I called you after staff worship not knowing if I believe in God. For finding me at the cross and giving me bug spray and reminding me of my worth. For all of the schedules made, but mostly the Charlie schedule.

For reading every book that I gave you, even if you weren't interested it. For celebrating when I finally listened to Hamilton instead of giving me shit that you tried to get me to listen to it months before. For sitting in my room when I needed to clean because it made me feel more productive.

For the Girl's Room.

For the longest Snapchat streak I'm pretty sure either of us have.

For exploring with me. For so much laughter, even when the things are hard. For simply understanding.

For planning futures that are full of mismatched mugs and walls covered in art. For photos of cats and photos of dogs and photos of your faces. For a home in North Carolina, or maybe somewhere else, as long as it's together.

For fandom.

For all of the moments that may have met nothing to any of you, but reminded me that this world is full of love and joy.

I am so, so thankful.

I love you all so much.

Love,
Jenn