I've been having a bit of a brain fart lately when it comes to writing, but I wanted to get something out there, so here we go.
There are some friendships that last a lifetime.
It's kind of that simple. I met Luis Ruuska in the 7th grade and really had no strong opinions of him at the time. (Sorry Luis.) That changed over the course of middle school, into high school, and then in 10th grade, he moved away, never to be seen again.
The thing about Luis is that he's the type of person you don't need to talk to every day to be friends with. Which is good. Over the past 7-8 years (it's been a long day and math is hard) we would text every now and then, even if it was just memes. He became my go-to person about Adult Things, because Luis always seemed to have his life together and be twenty steps ahead of me. I mean, he adopted a dog. A dog!! One day I'll own my own dog.
It might not have been the most consistent friendship, but it was a good one.
In December I received a text from Luis that said something along the lines of:
Hey I'm going to be in the Bay Area in January and we should catch up!
Luis Ruuska!
It was thrilling, honestly. How many people move away in 10th grade never to be seen again until you move to the complete opposite side of the country, have both graduated with degrees, and are just living your life? I think he reads this blog, so this'll probably be weird for him, but whatever (again, Sorry Luis).
At first it was a bit awkward. We'd literally been 15/16 when we'd last seen each other and we're both in our 20s now, and people change. I was expecting things to be a lot different. But, despite growing up, despite life taking us in different directions, we were still Luis and Jenn from 7th grade.
It was raining and hard to pick a place but we found some pizza and had some cider and caught up.
Luis: do I look any different
me: not really
Luis: okay
It's one thing to reconnect via Twitter, it's another to see the person in the flesh. I know, now more than ever, that Luis is going to be one of those forever friendships, whether we're talking every day or not.
Friendship in general, however, is something that I tend to struggle with.
Unless I've known you since basically the beginning of dawn, getting me to open up and connect is worse than pulling teeth. It takes a lot of push for me to become personally invested in other people
(2018 is all about living your truth which involves a lot more self-reflection and self-analysis than I'd originally anticipated, so here we go. My therapist tells me I'm very self-aware. I think she thinks I'm crazy.)
It's not that I don't care about people as a whole. I really do. I'm incredibly empathetic to the point where sometimes I'm not even sure how it is that I'm feeling, I'm just feeling things for other people. I also genuinely believe that people are good. It's easy to look at the world and talk about how awful it is and how negative things are guiding our every day lives, but at the root of it all, I seriously believe that people are good.
But to me, friendship is a two way street. That means while I'm accepting pieces of another person into my heart, they should be accepting those pieces of me into theirs. Which, that's how friendship works, obviously. But at the same time, that's so fucking scary. When I open up to people and give them parts of my story so they can peer into the depths of my thoughts and my history and what makes me who I am, you can't take it back. It's theirs now, and what they do with that information is something that you just have to trust they won't take advantage.
It's more than that, though. When you give pieces of yourself to someone, what happens when they decide they don't want them anymore? It's not like they can give it back to you. Maybe they move away, or maybe they move on, or maybe something awful happens and they're just gone. But there are so many ways in which someone can end up be never to be seen again. And that's scary too. Because in that situation, not only are pieces of yourself also gone, but you have all these pieces of other people that you don't know what to do with anymore.
Friendship is difficult for me at times.
Much like it's said in Harry Potter, there are some things that bond people forever.
Like the entire experience of freshman year (Casey) or raising a group of 9 young adults together (Charlie) or sharing a bed in a house full of near-strangers on the beach (Annie). There are dozens of humans I could list here (and I can already see Robyn calling me out for not getting a name drop seeing as I'll be literally living in her house - I see you) and all of them are so important to me in so many ways.
It's not like I didn't know it before, but I'm really learning to make friendship a central pillar in my life. But not just friendship, and this is going to sound cheesy as hell, but I'm really learning to make love a central pillar.
The thing about love, especially when you're 22, is that it's so easy to want to find a significant other. Like, who doesn't want to be loved? I'm a goddamn hopeless romantic and want to be smothered in attention. It's simple to think of love as something that can only be romantic.
But I love my friends. So much. So much that there aren't enough words for it. And I love animals, small wiggly creatures that exist on this planet to bring joy to us. And I love being a woman, marching with my housemates for recognition and equality. And I love looking at all of the hard things in life and morphing them into something that can help me grow into someone stronger.
The world is hard. The news is stressful. But as we go deeper into January (which literally has just been dragging on forever) I make sure to take time out of my day, every day, to reflect on the things and the people that I love, the things and the people that I'm thankful for.
I hope you have that, too.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Home for the Holidays
Going home for Christmas felt a bit like when I had winter break while I was still in school, only the commute back home was a tad longer.
I never want to travel in the holiday season again if I can help it.
I flew home on December 22nd with a flight that landed around 10pm. This was probably one of the best parts of my entire holiday because I'd decided to surprise my brother Luke! I told him I was going to be flying home on the 24th into the 25th, that I would be there for Christmas morning but not beforehand, and he totally believed me. To make this happen I had to lie a lot, block him on Snapchat, and convince my entire family to keep it a secret.
It worked!
He found out that I'd blocked him on Snapchat and texted me confused and kind of upset, he called my mom while I was in the car with her on the ride back from the airport, and he'd been texting me updates on the weather the entire time as I convinced him I was still in Oakland packing.
Unfortunately, the video I filmed is a bit dark, so you couldn't see his face when I arrived. But you could tell that he was happy. It was funny because he'd been using me as an excuse to not do things.
"Jenn's not coming until Christmas so I don't have to clean my room until then."
"I don't think we should go to the Christmas Eve service - it wouldn't be the same without Jenn."
(He cleaned his room as I arrived and you bet your ass I made him come to the Christmas Eve service with me.)
Unfortunately, right before I left for Maryland, I developed a cold. Everyone in my office had come down with something and so had a few of my housemates, but I'd been spared until the last possible minute. Flying with a stuffy nose is awful, and then because I only had a few days to squeeze in everyone I wanted to see, I didn't even get a day of rest.
(It's January 4th and I'm still sick.)
So, I landed late on the 22nd. On the night of the 23rd I visited my long term friend Robyn and met her new cat Thomas Pierre (as well as his friend named Leo who I've been receiving Snapchats about for like, years, and never dreamed I would ever meet). We did typical things like drive to Burger King and watch lame Netflix movies (A Christmas Prince is amazing) and sit on our computers for hours without really talking.
I stayed the night and on the afternoon of the 24th I got lunch (God bless Noodles & Company's Wisconsin mac and cheese) with my friend Nicki who I hadn't seen in a while. Afterwards I did some last minute Christmas shopping before driving home.
Christmas was Christmas, brilliant and lazy and full of love. I started at my dad's and then we drove to my mom's and I reiterate that the best part of Christmas is giving gifts.
The 26th was my only real day off, but mostly I drove around with my mom listening to Hamilton (FOR THE NOTION OF A NATION WE NOW GET TO BUILD) and eating Chipotle.
On the 27th I drove to Columbia to pick up Charlie so we could drive to Frederick. Staff reunion was from the 27th to the 28th and I got to see all of my favorite people. We stayed up until 4 am discussing Camp Politics and made numerous runs to Sheetz until we felt sick from all of the junk we'd been eating and we hiked to Shock Rock and it was great. I love camp. I will always love camp and the time I get to spend there.
On the 28th I left my mountain home to pick up my wonderful best friend Casey, where we proceeded to reunite by getting sloshed from taking too many shots. We traded gifts and whined about the broken fire alarm that kept fucking beeping and we slept on an air mattress at my sister's apartment before saying goodbye.
On the 29th after binge-watching most of Black Mirror I drove from Towson back to Frederick to visit more college friends this time (rather than visiting camp, which is also in Frederick). We went out in Downtown Frederick and...
This is where I started being a bit of a downer.
Sorry everyone from home. I love you so so much, but holy shit was I tired.
We went out to a bar which wasn't nearly as fun as our college hangout but getting to spend time with Sydney and Morgan and Melate is always good (missed you Ada!). It got to be around midnight and I just wasn't having it. I was so freaking tired. Who wants to go to a bar and rush to the bathroom so you can blow your nose? Ugh. Also, full disclosure, I was still kind of hungover from my night with Casey. I whined until everyone agreed to go home, and then we ordered/ate pizza while watching Parks and Rec, and honestly it was so much better than being in a loud bar where we couldn't even hear each other.
I crashed on Morgan's couch and then, on the morning of the 30th after it had snowed(!!!), drove all the way back home so me and my dad could drive all the way to Pennsylvania for my family Christmas party.
I was surprised at the amount of family members that are reading my blog. (Hi everyone!) People kept mentioning it which was pretty cool. It's also cool to know I can post about things here and then they'll know without me having to tell them. (It's a cop-out way to announce Being Bisexual but whatever, they ran with it. Also - special shout out to my Aunt Gail who was like, "We're setting you up with someone. It's a guy though. Is that okay?" The quiet validation is the best kind of validation.) (Also I messaged that guy on Facebook and he never responded, clearly true love isn't real.)
Anyway, I continued my habit of being Tired and Unengaged and found myself sitting upstairs a lot just soaking in the quiet. Again, still sick, still tired. It was so great to see all of my family and to answer the questions they had about my life but sleeping and laying around and being an introvert was winning over my desire to interact with ... anyone.
We stayed the night and in the afternoon on the 31st me and my sister drove back to Maryland. (I got her to listen to Hamilton. The whole thing. She made me go to Burger King with her so we could finish listening to the last like, four songs. The whole thing!!! I win this round, losers.)
From there I drove to Virginia, passing the Washington Monument on the way (she tells my stooorryy) where I was reunited with more camp people at Ginny's apartment for the celebration of the New Year.
Is it New Year? New Year's? New Years? All of them feel wrong.
Either way, I absolutely love celebrating the New Year. It's my favorite holiday. You cover yourself in glitter and sparkles and get drunk with your friends and then there are fireworks. It's the best holiday in the world. How can people not like New Year's?
I also really love the New Year because, while some people think it's stupid to be like "New Year New Me!" there's something really comforting about being able to have that fresh start if you want it. I've dubbed 2018 the year of "live your truth" which mostly I've just been using as an excuse to buy a donut every morning on my walk to work, but whatever. 2018 is all about self growth and self love and learning to love ourselves. I'm embracing it.
My other main goal for the year is to finish my book. It's been in the works for too long and I need to finish it! I can do it. Living my truth. Doing it.
The New Year hilariously started a few times, seeing as our livestream didn't match up with the actual turning of the clock, so we celebrated more than once. After that we (and by we I mean me) put on various YouTube videos of paint mixing or tiny food or giant food or whatever it was to pass the time. I slept on the couch, snoring, as I was still sick, and woke up in the morning to say goodbye to all the camp humans who were there that had been leaving. Then I fell back asleep and woke up in the middle of Moana, which had apparently been on for some time.
In the afternoon of the 1st I drove back home and slept for like, an hour in a house (my dad's) that didn't have any heat before my dad came home. We said goodbye, I drove to my mom's, and then I slept some more.
On the 2nd I woke up to say goodbye to my brother before climbing into my mom's car with her, heading off toward the airport that would bring me back home to Oakland. (My mom cried a lot. Love you mom!) Because it was the holiday season there were a million people and the luggage bag broke, which sent so many people into a crazy rage, which made no sense to me because it wasn't as though the airport employees weren't trying to fix it. I made sure to say a special thank you to the woman who eventually took my bag because rude people are the worst. From there I flew to New Mexico before a layover that would send me back to Oakland, and finally, finally, finally I was back in California.
I returned home on the night of the 2nd (8:30 my time, 11:30 EST) to my roommates waiting with open arms for hugs and smiles that made the long day of travel worth it. Everyone was in rare form seeing as most of them had also been traveling (some already had been to work!) and we were sluggish and lazy and just happy to be back in our house.
I made buttery pasta to sustain me after my long day of travel and sat on the couch with some of my roommates catching up before I stumbled into my room and fell asleep.
This is a pretty standard retelling of what happened. I'll never be able to squeeze in the joy of playing Star Fluxx on my stomach by the fire, or the shock on my family's face as I ate perogie casserole, or the way my eyes grew wet as my mom told me she was proud of me. I won't be able to accurately have you all understand how many times I was asked "so how's California?" only to answer with "well it's warmer than here." I can't express the sadness that grew at the sight of my dear old cat Tuesday, 16 years old now, frail and thin and bony but still nimble as ever. There were so many moments while being home that stay in my heart that will be special to me, but never special to you, dear reader.
Regardless. Those moments exist, and they're mine to keep.
This is where I would make a comment on how nice it was to be back, blah blah, but then plot twist--this morning at 2:40 in the goddamn morning, a fucking earthquake hit.
A fucking earthquake!
Google tells me that it was a 4.4 but Twitter tells me it was a 4.7, all in Berkeley which is just a bop away from home, and shook our entire house awake. What a way to be welcomed back to California!
I sat up and literally said, "It's happening!" Because I thought it was the big one! If you didn't know, the Bay Area is WAY overdue for a pretty intense earthquake that's going to rock us. So I thought this was it! I yanked out my earplugs and sat up ready to face destruction head on and then--it was over.
Apparently the entire quake was only like, 10 seconds long.
Other than being a little shaken up (ha ha ha puns) our house was unharmed. Everyone woke up to greet the rumble and then, after a quick Twitter check where I laughed at everyone in the Bay Area tweeting about how of course we were on Twitter to see if other people felt the earthquake, I went back to bed.
One of my co-workers this morning said, "Oh, I thought that was a dream until I read about it on the news this morning."
Amanda, who I ended up getting lunch with today had remarked, "It doesn't even feel like an earthquake hit last night."
Life just keeps moving forward, y'all. Whether you've been traveling for 13 hours or you have a cold or an earthquake wants you to start 2018 off with a heart attack, it keeps going.
I'm already back at work (I missed these people so much - it's been two days and I've already received two mugs) and I'm convinced that all the dust from all the paper is making me sneeze more. I keep sneezing. How is there still this much snot in my nose? But regardless, I'm happy to be back.
Unless some unexpected situation occurs, I don't think I'll be back home until July, so I'm really out here for now. Not that I wasn't really out here before, but after the Christmas hump it starts to feel a bit more real. I know that in the days to come I'll start to miss those people even more, because it's so easy to take advantage of the fact that someone is beside you before you're really gone from them, so the missing will be a bit intense. But for now, I'm back in the Bay ready to live my truth.
Here's wishing you all a Happy New Year!
#LYT2018
(live your truth!)
I never want to travel in the holiday season again if I can help it.
I flew home on December 22nd with a flight that landed around 10pm. This was probably one of the best parts of my entire holiday because I'd decided to surprise my brother Luke! I told him I was going to be flying home on the 24th into the 25th, that I would be there for Christmas morning but not beforehand, and he totally believed me. To make this happen I had to lie a lot, block him on Snapchat, and convince my entire family to keep it a secret.
It worked!
He found out that I'd blocked him on Snapchat and texted me confused and kind of upset, he called my mom while I was in the car with her on the ride back from the airport, and he'd been texting me updates on the weather the entire time as I convinced him I was still in Oakland packing.
Unfortunately, the video I filmed is a bit dark, so you couldn't see his face when I arrived. But you could tell that he was happy. It was funny because he'd been using me as an excuse to not do things.
"Jenn's not coming until Christmas so I don't have to clean my room until then."
"I don't think we should go to the Christmas Eve service - it wouldn't be the same without Jenn."
(He cleaned his room as I arrived and you bet your ass I made him come to the Christmas Eve service with me.)
Unfortunately, right before I left for Maryland, I developed a cold. Everyone in my office had come down with something and so had a few of my housemates, but I'd been spared until the last possible minute. Flying with a stuffy nose is awful, and then because I only had a few days to squeeze in everyone I wanted to see, I didn't even get a day of rest.
(It's January 4th and I'm still sick.)
So, I landed late on the 22nd. On the night of the 23rd I visited my long term friend Robyn and met her new cat Thomas Pierre (as well as his friend named Leo who I've been receiving Snapchats about for like, years, and never dreamed I would ever meet). We did typical things like drive to Burger King and watch lame Netflix movies (A Christmas Prince is amazing) and sit on our computers for hours without really talking.
I stayed the night and on the afternoon of the 24th I got lunch (God bless Noodles & Company's Wisconsin mac and cheese) with my friend Nicki who I hadn't seen in a while. Afterwards I did some last minute Christmas shopping before driving home.
Christmas was Christmas, brilliant and lazy and full of love. I started at my dad's and then we drove to my mom's and I reiterate that the best part of Christmas is giving gifts.
The 26th was my only real day off, but mostly I drove around with my mom listening to Hamilton (FOR THE NOTION OF A NATION WE NOW GET TO BUILD) and eating Chipotle.
On the 27th I drove to Columbia to pick up Charlie so we could drive to Frederick. Staff reunion was from the 27th to the 28th and I got to see all of my favorite people. We stayed up until 4 am discussing Camp Politics and made numerous runs to Sheetz until we felt sick from all of the junk we'd been eating and we hiked to Shock Rock and it was great. I love camp. I will always love camp and the time I get to spend there.
On the 28th I left my mountain home to pick up my wonderful best friend Casey, where we proceeded to reunite by getting sloshed from taking too many shots. We traded gifts and whined about the broken fire alarm that kept fucking beeping and we slept on an air mattress at my sister's apartment before saying goodbye.
On the 29th after binge-watching most of Black Mirror I drove from Towson back to Frederick to visit more college friends this time (rather than visiting camp, which is also in Frederick). We went out in Downtown Frederick and...
This is where I started being a bit of a downer.
Sorry everyone from home. I love you so so much, but holy shit was I tired.
We went out to a bar which wasn't nearly as fun as our college hangout but getting to spend time with Sydney and Morgan and Melate is always good (missed you Ada!). It got to be around midnight and I just wasn't having it. I was so freaking tired. Who wants to go to a bar and rush to the bathroom so you can blow your nose? Ugh. Also, full disclosure, I was still kind of hungover from my night with Casey. I whined until everyone agreed to go home, and then we ordered/ate pizza while watching Parks and Rec, and honestly it was so much better than being in a loud bar where we couldn't even hear each other.
I crashed on Morgan's couch and then, on the morning of the 30th after it had snowed(!!!), drove all the way back home so me and my dad could drive all the way to Pennsylvania for my family Christmas party.
I was surprised at the amount of family members that are reading my blog. (Hi everyone!) People kept mentioning it which was pretty cool. It's also cool to know I can post about things here and then they'll know without me having to tell them. (It's a cop-out way to announce Being Bisexual but whatever, they ran with it. Also - special shout out to my Aunt Gail who was like, "We're setting you up with someone. It's a guy though. Is that okay?" The quiet validation is the best kind of validation.) (Also I messaged that guy on Facebook and he never responded, clearly true love isn't real.)
Anyway, I continued my habit of being Tired and Unengaged and found myself sitting upstairs a lot just soaking in the quiet. Again, still sick, still tired. It was so great to see all of my family and to answer the questions they had about my life but sleeping and laying around and being an introvert was winning over my desire to interact with ... anyone.
We stayed the night and in the afternoon on the 31st me and my sister drove back to Maryland. (I got her to listen to Hamilton. The whole thing. She made me go to Burger King with her so we could finish listening to the last like, four songs. The whole thing!!! I win this round, losers.)
From there I drove to Virginia, passing the Washington Monument on the way (she tells my stooorryy) where I was reunited with more camp people at Ginny's apartment for the celebration of the New Year.
Is it New Year? New Year's? New Years? All of them feel wrong.
Either way, I absolutely love celebrating the New Year. It's my favorite holiday. You cover yourself in glitter and sparkles and get drunk with your friends and then there are fireworks. It's the best holiday in the world. How can people not like New Year's?
I also really love the New Year because, while some people think it's stupid to be like "New Year New Me!" there's something really comforting about being able to have that fresh start if you want it. I've dubbed 2018 the year of "live your truth" which mostly I've just been using as an excuse to buy a donut every morning on my walk to work, but whatever. 2018 is all about self growth and self love and learning to love ourselves. I'm embracing it.
My other main goal for the year is to finish my book. It's been in the works for too long and I need to finish it! I can do it. Living my truth. Doing it.
The New Year hilariously started a few times, seeing as our livestream didn't match up with the actual turning of the clock, so we celebrated more than once. After that we (and by we I mean me) put on various YouTube videos of paint mixing or tiny food or giant food or whatever it was to pass the time. I slept on the couch, snoring, as I was still sick, and woke up in the morning to say goodbye to all the camp humans who were there that had been leaving. Then I fell back asleep and woke up in the middle of Moana, which had apparently been on for some time.
In the afternoon of the 1st I drove back home and slept for like, an hour in a house (my dad's) that didn't have any heat before my dad came home. We said goodbye, I drove to my mom's, and then I slept some more.
On the 2nd I woke up to say goodbye to my brother before climbing into my mom's car with her, heading off toward the airport that would bring me back home to Oakland. (My mom cried a lot. Love you mom!) Because it was the holiday season there were a million people and the luggage bag broke, which sent so many people into a crazy rage, which made no sense to me because it wasn't as though the airport employees weren't trying to fix it. I made sure to say a special thank you to the woman who eventually took my bag because rude people are the worst. From there I flew to New Mexico before a layover that would send me back to Oakland, and finally, finally, finally I was back in California.
I returned home on the night of the 2nd (8:30 my time, 11:30 EST) to my roommates waiting with open arms for hugs and smiles that made the long day of travel worth it. Everyone was in rare form seeing as most of them had also been traveling (some already had been to work!) and we were sluggish and lazy and just happy to be back in our house.
I made buttery pasta to sustain me after my long day of travel and sat on the couch with some of my roommates catching up before I stumbled into my room and fell asleep.
This is a pretty standard retelling of what happened. I'll never be able to squeeze in the joy of playing Star Fluxx on my stomach by the fire, or the shock on my family's face as I ate perogie casserole, or the way my eyes grew wet as my mom told me she was proud of me. I won't be able to accurately have you all understand how many times I was asked "so how's California?" only to answer with "well it's warmer than here." I can't express the sadness that grew at the sight of my dear old cat Tuesday, 16 years old now, frail and thin and bony but still nimble as ever. There were so many moments while being home that stay in my heart that will be special to me, but never special to you, dear reader.
Regardless. Those moments exist, and they're mine to keep.
This is where I would make a comment on how nice it was to be back, blah blah, but then plot twist--this morning at 2:40 in the goddamn morning, a fucking earthquake hit.
A fucking earthquake!
Google tells me that it was a 4.4 but Twitter tells me it was a 4.7, all in Berkeley which is just a bop away from home, and shook our entire house awake. What a way to be welcomed back to California!
I sat up and literally said, "It's happening!" Because I thought it was the big one! If you didn't know, the Bay Area is WAY overdue for a pretty intense earthquake that's going to rock us. So I thought this was it! I yanked out my earplugs and sat up ready to face destruction head on and then--it was over.
Apparently the entire quake was only like, 10 seconds long.
Other than being a little shaken up (ha ha ha puns) our house was unharmed. Everyone woke up to greet the rumble and then, after a quick Twitter check where I laughed at everyone in the Bay Area tweeting about how of course we were on Twitter to see if other people felt the earthquake, I went back to bed.
One of my co-workers this morning said, "Oh, I thought that was a dream until I read about it on the news this morning."
Amanda, who I ended up getting lunch with today had remarked, "It doesn't even feel like an earthquake hit last night."
Life just keeps moving forward, y'all. Whether you've been traveling for 13 hours or you have a cold or an earthquake wants you to start 2018 off with a heart attack, it keeps going.
I'm already back at work (I missed these people so much - it's been two days and I've already received two mugs) and I'm convinced that all the dust from all the paper is making me sneeze more. I keep sneezing. How is there still this much snot in my nose? But regardless, I'm happy to be back.
Unless some unexpected situation occurs, I don't think I'll be back home until July, so I'm really out here for now. Not that I wasn't really out here before, but after the Christmas hump it starts to feel a bit more real. I know that in the days to come I'll start to miss those people even more, because it's so easy to take advantage of the fact that someone is beside you before you're really gone from them, so the missing will be a bit intense. But for now, I'm back in the Bay ready to live my truth.
Here's wishing you all a Happy New Year!
#LYT2018
(live your truth!)
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