California Christmas

Living in California has made me a bit of a wimp.

In the daytime, it’s around 60 degrees, and at night it drops to the 40s, and I am constantly cold. I come home from work and I turn the heat on in the house and I wrap myself in blankets as I settle on the couch and I whine about how cold it is. Danielle and I turn on the heater in our room every night and bundle up in pants and socks and continue to whine about the cold.

We’re both from the east coast. It’s snowing there. Snowing. And here were are, somewhere in the 50s, with the heater on.

If I’m cold now, I can’t even imagine how cold I’m going to be when I land at BWI. Someone should bring me a coat seeing as I don’t even need one of those here.

Still, I’m excited to go home. I darted home for a weekend in September (congrats to the Muhlbachs!) but that’s the extent of my travels since I arrived here in August. Honestly, I didn’t even think I’d be excited to go home, but I am. It feels a little bit like winter break at school again, where I take a week or so and just lay around the house with no responsibilities. It’ll be a little different, seeing as I’m not a student anymore and now I have the means to drive (I miss driving - what the heck?!) but it will still be good.

Busy, mostly, but good. I’ve had to start putting everything into my calendar so I don’t confuse all of the plans that I’ve made. My week or so home is very filled.

So, yeah, I’m excited that I can finally start singing I’ll Be Home For Christmas with it actually meaning something.

But also, Christmas in California is weird.

There’s no snow but there also isn’t any rain, and while it still gets dark early like the rest of the world the sunshine is different here. I miss the way the sky would change, indicating gloomy weather. I miss the wind burning off the tip of my nose. I miss the crunch of ice poorly cleaned off the sidewalks beneath my feet. You grow up one way, knowing how the seasons work, and moving somewhere else for a different kind of experience just leaves something feeling a little off balanced.

Regardless, we do what we can to make it feel like Christmas.

This year I did four gift exchanges. I really, really, really love Christmas. There’s something about giving gifts which makes me just feel really happy. I love watching people unwrap things, I love getting to know the person a little better to figure out what it is they’d like, I love gifts. It’s fun. I’m broke, but it’s fun.

The first was my department Secret Santa.

I wasn’t in the office when we drew names for Secret Santa. I think it was all the way back in October, honestly, and I had been on my retreat for LVC at the time, but everyone picked a name and they saved one for me. I found my name when I returned in a cup on my desk, wrapped up so tightly that it was hard to uncover, but the name written was clear.

My go-to for Secret Santa things is to always tell whoever asks me who I have, that I have them.

Example:

Maria: Who do you have for Secret Santa
Me: You
Maria: What

I didn’t have Maria though, I had Nick. I’m unsure if I’ve spoken about Nick at all really, but what an interesting fellow he is. He has a habit of calling me “kiddo” like I don’t have a degree and always invites everyone to the office to art shows and just kind of comes and goes as he pleases. At Happy Hour a few weeks ago I remember him sitting there arguing about the benefits of anarchy with his friend, and I literally had to excuse myself from the conversation.

I settled on getting him a book (which originally was going to be about communism or anarchy or something but ended up being about masculinity and men having feelings, because yes) and a candle for his altar and a mug personalized with something I thought he’d like.

The week before:

Me: who do you have for secret santa
Nick: I'm not telling you. who do you have?
Me: you
Nick: cool. really?
Me: yeah
Nick: no you don't

(I bought a mug for everyone in my department, each one different depending on who it was going to. Please do not ask me how much I spent. It was too much money. There was a sale, but whatever. It was too much. I just love mugs. And these people. I was weak, okay?!)

Our SS reveal was on Thursday at our weekly meeting, but Nick was leaving early for vacation or something (again comes and goes) so I gave him his present on Monday. As far as I can tell he liked it, but fast forward to Thursday, and hoo-buddy.

One of my favorite things about gift exchanges is trying to figure out who everyone has. I know that’s not the point, and blah blah blah I’m ruining the fun of it, but that’s part of the fun! It’s like a giant puzzle. It’s all about gathering clues and observing every day interactions and listening carefully to whatever it is that people are talking about. Slowly figuring out the circle (like figuring out who’s trying to kill you when you play Assassin) is the best.

Of course, I never figured out who had me.

That’s because no one had me.

When it came time for us to sit down at the table and everyone had their gifts, my whole department was struck with the realization that none of the gifts were for me.

Aha! you’re thinking. It must have been Nick! Seeing as he wasn’t there, of course it must be Nick who forgot to give me a gift!

Nope. I’d actually helped consult Nick on what to get for his person, and he’d arranged his present to be mailed to the office anyway.

Literally just no one had me.

There must’ve been some crossed wires somewhere, seeing as not everyone was in the office when we drew names, but my name had just never been given out. In fact, Nick’s name had been drawn twice. Now, again, I just really love Christmas, so the best part of our gift exchange was when I passed out the mugs I’d gotten for everyone and they all got to open them, but like, come on! Despite the disappointment that lingered, I was okay.

It happens, it wasn’t intentional, and I got the present that someone had brought in for Nick (seeing as he’d already received the one that I gave him). It was a pretty good present too! It was a beautiful aloe vera plant that is now sitting nice and pretty on my desk and a bottle of wine which I’ll be taking home for the holiday. So, it was okay. (There’s something about someone intentionally buying you a gift though, about the thoughtful process that goes behind selecting a present that makes the present more special, and I was missing it. It’s never really been about the present itself, but rather the fact that it was for me. And… this one wasn’t.)

Again! I’m okay with it. I’m saying I’m okay a lot but thankfully I like wine and I love plants so we’re doing pretty well. Besides, I was in three more gift exchanges so it was bound to be fine.

Side note: I’m feeling really greedy and weird talking about receiving presents, but whatever, this is my blog and sometimes feelings can’t be helped!

Now we’re onto gift exchange number two: the office wide Secret Snowflake. Not only did my department, my sweet lovely RADCo, have a gift exchange just for us, but I wanted to be in the office-wide one as well.

This was a little more fun because the point of it was to sneak the gifts onto the person’s desk without them noticing, and then at the end of the week we were all going to sit in a giant circle and guess. Hilariously, we used an online database (what’s up Elfster) to automatically assign people, so no one would go un-gotten! My name would be drawn, no matter what. But, because of this, I had drawn someone from RADCo again. Which was okay! I knew RADCo people pretty well and was going to get Virginia the best present ever.

(Maria had gotten me a small gift - a mug that says Coffee is Magic and a jewelry holder that says you inspire me trying to trick me that it was my SS, but she's too obvious and I figured it out right away. Maria's the best.)

This was also fun because people were on a hunt throughout the office trying to figure out who had who. It was joyful to watch Virginia guess person after person while knowing, the whole time, that it was me who had her. (She figured it out eventually, stupid handwriting, but I had her going for awhile!) I was doing great at connecting the circle as to who had who had who and had figured out much more of this one than I had of my own department exchange.

Again, still didn’t figure out who had me, but I wasn’t worried. I knew someone did.

But we needed to sneak our gifts by 4 o’clock on Friday to our person, and suddenly it was Friday at 3pm, and then 3:30, and then 3:45, and there was nothing. No hint of a clue, no message saying it would be late. Utter and complete radio silence.

People had been out of the office a lot during the week though because they were sick or family things had come up so I wasn’t going to hold life against anyone. It just… kind of sucked after I had received the runner-up gift of another person and everyone was running around so excited about what they’d gotten. It would’ve been alright if people weren’t asking me every ten minutes if I’d gotten anything yet, but they were and I was sad.

The Karmic Universe - 2
Jenn - 0

I still went to the gift reveal obviously because I wanted to tell Virginia that I had her, and I knew there were a few people who’d been out of the office that most likely had me. At the gathering it was revealed that my person had a Life Thing going on which prevented them from being in, but that my present was going to arrive at my house.

Knowing that something would be arriving was fun, but it still kind of disappointing I didn’t get something while everyone else was holding onto their presents.

Which brings me to gift exchange number 3: the internet friends.

Of course I signed up for one to do with my lovely internet friends. We used Elfster as well, and while my person knows that I had them (I put my name on the note when I sent it because I didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret until a big reveal day whoops) I won’t post here because all of those ladies are nosy and will try and piece together the circle. Still, I sent mine a while ago, and I have been led to believe that said human really enjoyed her present, so we’re all doing well.

Except, in the middle of all of this chaos of office presents, I received a pack of socks.

Let me just tell you right away, I love socks. They’re the best. I’m definitely one of those people who has grown up and is appreciative of the existence of socks and the fact that I can get them for gifts. You can never have too many! And these socks that I got in the mail, they’re super cute. They all have cats on the back that look like they’re peeking out over the heel.

But there wasn’t a name on it, so I assumed it was from my internet exchange, and I was… disappointed. There was a note that said something like “Merry Christmas Jenn! Miss and love you!” and I was like, internet human, of course, thank you. So I marked my gift as received and went on with my life. 

And listen, socks are a great present, and of course I’m grateful. But like I said earlier, there’s something about the intention behind a present and I was like, dang, okay.

But also, the socks are irrelevant to any gift exchange I’m part of.

I got a text from Steph that was something like this (not verbatim I’m too lazy to open my messages):

Steph: your secret santa wants to know what address to send your gift to
Me: what
Steph: well you’re going home for christmas right? so they want to make sure you get it
Me: didn’t they send me socks already?
Steph: ???? no
Me: WHAT
Steph: no socks
Me: then where did these socks come from?!
Steph: ??? idk santa???

This was followed up, the next day, by another conversation that was (again not verbatim) something like this:

Dani: hey so did you happen to get a pack of socks
Me: ??? yes?????
Dani: ok cool just wanted to make sure they weren’t stolen from your porch
Me: ????? you just sent me socks ????? for fun???
Dani: yeah! I got a lil something for everyone!!

SO long story short, Dani is the best, I’m ungrateful and lame, but socks are cool and I still have a mystery gift exchange human out there who probably feels the pressure now because I’m just being a brat about gifts in this post.

(dear secret santa, if you see this, please feel no pressure, as I already love you so much for simply existing and want to give you a nice smooch. I am a certified baby, and I know whatever it is that arrives on my doorstep in Maryland will be wonderful)

So now we are at our final gift exchange: the house swap.

A few weeks ago Carly decided it would be fun for our house to do a swap. We set a small budget, passed out names, and thought it would be nice for everyone to have something small to unwrap.

As if I don’t seen enough of Carly already (my commute queen, just in case I don’t say it enough I love you a lot) I also drew her name for our house swap. I immediately cut it up into little pieces using scissors so no one could read it.

Carly, watching as I cut up my name: you’re a sociopath
Me: now no one will know who I have

*~Later~*

Carly: who do you have for secret santa
Me: you
Carly: shut up

But other than blatantly telling Carly I had her (which she didn’t know until the house had narrowed down) I kept her name a secret. I figured out who Carly had based on one lucky guess and Danielle told me who she had, but other than that I hadn’t really pieced the house circle together. I wasn’t too invested in that one though (no offense Ella Bakers!) because I knew we’d all get something small, and there was really really really no way for that one to go wrong.

Last night we all gathered around our hilariously small Christmas tree that we’d set out for our Holiday Party the night before (which, side note: we had a Holiday Party and while I love to party, I am not a hoster. It hit 5:00 and got dark outside and I was like I am Ready for these people to leave my house so I can go to bed right now. But that was fun! We worked together well as a house to make our space clean and all these people we know showed up and supported us and it was overall really lovely - another great addition to making CA feel Christmas-y). My gift for Carly, which I ordered on December 6th, had yet to arrive, so I wrapped up something small for her so she had something to open when it got to her. (I’d gotten her a mug that says Justice is a Woman with Lady Justice on it because Carly loves coffee and justice and I love her. It still hasn’t arrived, it’s in Kentucky??? But she’ll have it soon enough.)

We went around the circle, everyone gave out their gifts, and I got to see who my house secret santa was.

Honestly? I had no idea who my person was until earlier that evening I walked upstairs to Amanda’s room and she straight up panicked, throwing something behind her and shifting awkwardly in front of what I was assuming to be a present. So I figured out who I had at the very last minute, ruining the surprise two hours before our actual exchange. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew who.

I never would’ve been able to guess what it was.

Let me just remind you, dear readers, that Amanda is my introvert camp wife. We sing songs about Jesus and don’t judge each other when we order too many grilled cheeses for lunch and send each other vegetarian memes to pass the time. I love her a lot. She’s an incredibly supportive friend who honestly just radiates with love and never does anything half-assed.

Amanda had systematically been stalking my friends/family from home and having them write notes/affirmations to me. Amanda then printed them out and filled a book with them. On the pages that didn’t have these lovely affirmations, there were quotes to boost me up. Some of my favorite quotes, some quotes sent in by other friends, some chosen by her, all about being strong and wonderful and great.

At first I just thought it was a journal (as the cover is beautiful and I’ve been looking for a reason to start up again) but then she said, “This might take a bit of explaining.”

I opened it up, saw a familiar name, and closed it immediately. She told me she’d been reaching out to people I know to get these things and I was thrown. No offense, people I know in the world, but y’all aren’t slick. You just aren’t. I had a surprise birthday party thrown for me when I was 15 and someone texted me “SURPRISE!” an hour before I even got there. I literally had no freaking clue.

My siblings had written me notes. My grandparents. My camp friends. People from work. My friends from school.

“I had to go through your Facebook to find these people so I’m sure I missed some,” Amanda said.

Yeah, so, I waited until most of the room left so I could read it or else I was literally going to cry, and if I had started reading it right away I would’ve started to weep, but because I waited a bit I only teared up.

Exchange after exchange had me feeling weirdly uninvolved in my own life, like I’d been living in this body that was just a shell and not even really existing. And then this gift, where Amanda had taken all of these important people to me and had them write something kind? About how they love me? And how I’m a good person?

Dude, what the hell. I’m about to cry just writing about it.

A few people actually reached out to me after I posted about it online earlier and asked if they could write something too, so I don’t think Amanda will mind if I add some other notes I get into this book that I’m going to cherish for the rest of my life.

There are some gifts that there just aren’t words for, and I really don’t have any words for this one other than thank you.

My office Secret Snowflake finally came in the mail. The woman who had me, Luba from admin, drew me a Love Warrior to hang above my mirror. She also sent me a pair of earrings (I’m becoming an earring girl!) and a stone shaped like a rock along with a letter of affirmations as to how to start the day.

It starts with: Life is tough but there is a way to be free and love is the answer.

There are more things in the middle, but it ends with: Trust!

(It’ll all work out, Jenn. Have a little faith.)

In the end, it really isn’t about the gifts. It’s about the people in my life who make me feel loved whether or not there’s a physical present attached to it.

With my California Christmas nearly wrapped, my next stop is home to spend time with more of those very same people.

See you soon, Maryland. Merry Christmas, everyone!